Old Age

It's Hell to be Old  !
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OLD people  have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!
   
An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his  physical
exam.

The doctor gave the man a  jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen  sample
tomorrow.'

The next day  the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the  jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor  asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing.   Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing..

'Then I asked my wife for help.  She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still  nothing.

'She even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your
neighbor?'    

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get
the jar open.' 

Passbook Story

Priya married Hitesh this day. At the end of the wedding party, Priya's mother gave her a newly opened bank saving passbook. With Rs.1000 deposit amount. 

Mother: Priya, take this passbook. Keep it as a record of your marriage life. When there's something happy and memorable happened in your new life, put some money in. Write down what it's about next to the line. The more memorable the event is, the more money you can put in. I've done the first one for you today. Do the others with Hitesh. When you look back after years, you can know how much happiness you've had.' 

Priya shared this with Hitesh when getting home. 
 
They both thought it was a great idea and were anxious to know when the second deposit can be made. 

This was what they did after certain time: 
- 7 Feb: Rs.100, first birthday celebration for Hitesh after marriage 

- 1 Mar: Rs.300, salary raise for Priya 

- 20 Mar: Rs.200, vacation trip to Bali 

- 15 Apr: Rs.2000, Priya got pregnant 

- 1 Jun: Rs.1000, Hitesh got promoted 

.... and so on... 

However, after years, they started fighting and arguing for trivial things. They didn't talk much. They regretted that they had married the most nasty people in the world.... no more love... Kind of typical nowadays, huh? 

One day Priya talked to her Mother:'Mom, we can't stand it anymore. We agree to divorce. I can't imagine how I decided to marry this guy!!!' 
Mother: 'Sure, girl, that's no big deal. Just do whatever you want if you really can't stand it. But before that, do one thing first. Remember the saving passbook I gave you on your wedding day? Take out all money and spend it first. You shouldn't keep any record of such a poor marriage.' 
Priya thought it was true. 


So she went to the bank, waiting at the queue and planning to cancel the account. While she was waiting, she took a look at the passbook record. She looked, and looked, and looked. Then the memory of all the previous joy and happiness just came up her mind. Her eyes were then filled with tears. She left and went home. When she was home, she handed the passbook to Hitesh, asked him to spend the money before getting divorce. The next day, Hitesh gave the passbook back to Priya. She found a new deposit of Rs.5000. And a line next to the record: 
 
'This is the day I notice how much I've loved you thru out all these years. 
 
How much happiness you've brought me.' 
 
They hugged and cried, putting the passbook back to the safe. 
Do you know how much money they had saved when they retired? 
I did not ask. I believe the money did not matter any more after they had gone thru all the good years in their life. 
"When you fall, in any way, Don't see the place where you fell, Instead see the place from where you slipped. 
Life is about correcting mistakes."

Newton forgot some laws

LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.  ********** LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.  ********** LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR : After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.  ********** LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.  ********** LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.  ********** BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.  ********** LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. ********** LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!  ********** LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.  ********** THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.  ********** LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Principles of life - Many tried and tested

[1] Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. [2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee. [3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband! [4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash. [5] A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms. [6] Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent. [7] Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later. [8] You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it. [9] Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote. [10] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. [11] Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway. [12] My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me. [13] Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others. [14] Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner. [15] A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. [16] You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them. [17] It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss. [18] Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books. [19] Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you. [20] Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something [21] They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak! [22] Man: Is there any way for long life? Dr: Get married. Man: Will it help? Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come. [23]Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins! [24]Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do? Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes. [25]It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered. [26]There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it. [27]There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it.